Back At It

I am probably the worst at keeping up with my blog. I can't remember passwords or logins to save my life and I procrastinate writing to avoid the emotional process. But here I am, passwords changed, and in the right mindset.
I am currently working on a draft for my "book" which is mostly an idea right now. I also may have some plans that will be unveiled in the near future. I am truly trying to pursue my dreams of being a writer and getting justice for Mikelle. I figured regularly writing on my blog will help me stay inspired and keep me constant.
I recently attended the 3rd annual Missing in Arizona event. It was as always beneficial. But this year I experienced some feelings I didn't quite expect. Disconnect and numbness almost. Though opposite of that I did connect with new victims as well as old, some people that I have quickly grown to care about. But I realized my disconnect was coming from my lack of perseverance. I started to think about why I wasn't putting in the effort to write. Why I was shielding myself from the emotions of pursuing justice. It all comes from my anxiety and PTSD. I am no doctor nor have I "officially been diagnosed" but it doesn't take a doctor to say "uh yeah you've been through some serious trauma and it affected you". It has just been over this past year that I have come to the actual realization that I do have anxiety and PTSD. I actually say them aloud now. I acknowledge it as something to deal with and work through, rather than deny its existence and not cope. Recently the anxiety has caused severe sleep paralysis that comes with auditory hallucinations, nausea, and complete lack of energy or desire to do anything. I hate it. I absolutely abhor my anxiety. Some days, like today, I feel like it completely controls me. I am tired. I am pissed off. Right now, I feel completely jipped. I was robbed of my childhood, the opportunity of having a big sister, the ability to live life with out anxiety. I was cheated. I rarely express my anger on the subject. In every interview I say I want justice. True. I say I want peace. True. I never say "I am absolutely fucking livid". I'm tired of pretending to be more fine than I am. People always comment on how well I handle myself when interviewing or talking about it. Which I do appreciate. And I do handle myself well because I want to. I want to speak level headed and reach out. But sometimes I want to fall apart. I don't. I pretend. I always have. I have always held it together. For my siblings and my parents (which I do not regret at all). But also to spare other peoples feelings. I don't like to make people uncomfortable by talking about it. By yelling or swearing or crying. But that's what I want to do sometimes. I think that's fair and totally normal. So why have I been hiding it?
I am Kimber. My sister was taken. I am angry. I have been traumatized. And I am done pretending I am not. So here I am back at it again, I'm not holding back anything anymore.