Vivid Memories

This is just a quick little entry because I thought of something random about Mikelle. I figure no matter how short an entry, it's good to write as often as possible.
 So while putting my son to bed, and reading bedtime stories to him, he was sounding out some "sight words". It lead to a discussion about how to spell a million different things. Of course. Anyways he said "closer kuh-kuh-closer. Closer starts with K. K makes the kuh sound just like closer". It was adorable by the way. I told him that it actually starts with C. That's when I remembered something.
When I was young and expanding my reading skills, Mikelle would get a kick out of me trying to read ingredients on different boxes or cans etc. I pronounced sugar like "cigar" one time, and I can vividly remember Mikelle's huge smile spread across her red face and excited laugh. She was completely unable to contain herself, and choking from the laughter. Covering her mouth and saying "she just said cigar!!". Same goes for my mom and dad who were laughing right along with her. I of course enjoyed being the center of attention. I am pretty sure they had me read 3 or 4 different words on this box before informing me of my mistake. This proceeded to be a nightly tradition at dinner time for a while.
I love remembering goofy things like that. I especially love when I can actually see her face in my mind, clearly, and perfectly. It's rare now, being able to see her as something other than the missing poster picture. I forget how she sounded and moved. I absolutely cherish these moments when I remember. When I feel like I am reliving it.
Today has been rough, lots of errands and in and out of the car. Tayven was seriously testing my patience all damn day. I have a headache. I haven't been feeling well. I was in a horrid mood right up until I pictured Mikelle laughing. Now I sit here smiling (and crying) and feeling ever so grateful to have my stubborn child testing my patience. Side note, he hugged me and rubbed my head and told me he loved me to the moon and back before going to sleep. (Melting!) Even on my hardest days, even when I am ready to punch the wall, or scream into a pillow, I try to remember how lucky I am. Despite everything that has happened, despite this tragedy, I have not lost my child. I do not know the pain my parents do. I honestly can't fathom how I would go on with out Tayven, no matter the circumstance. For that, I thank you Mikelle. In the most random, round about way, you have taught me patience, and gratefulness in ways that I never thought I would know. Also I thank you for your laugh, and your smile, and your mischievousness. Oh so sly! That reminds me of another time..
I remember when I finished cleaning my room I told my mom it was clean. Either Mikelle offered to check it or my mom asked her to go check it. Not sure which, but she came back after about 10 seconds and said "I checked it" and my mom said "ok? is it clean?" her response "I don't know I just checked it". At some point after a back and forth between them we all walked to my room and my mom said "show me how you checked it" and so Mikelle proceeded to walk up to the wall in my room and with her finger "drew" and check mark on the wall. She burst out laughing and said "see!? I checked it! get it?" and walked away quite amused with herself.
She also brought my dad a milkshake one time. When he saw it he said "that's a glass of milk". She said "No I made you a milkshake". I was curious so I asked her to make me one. I followed her to the kitchen where she poured a glass of milk and then shook it. Handed it to me and said "Milk! Shake!". I was not amused but she giggled and was obviously proud of herself.
We both get our sarcastic humor and "punny-ness" from our dad I think. Actually all of us kids got that.
Now that I am sitting here just typing anything that comes to mind, it feels really good. I am remembering more and more little tid bits. So much for a short entry! But in all seriousness if I sat here long enough I could write dozens of little memories. Some I remember more than others. But I am grateful for them. I wish my siblings had them the way I do. Nathan of course has some but he was only 4 (actually about to be 5) when it happened. But Lynelle was only 9 months old. Sometimes I actually feel guilty when sharing memories because she doesn't have any. I have to remind myself that she likes to hear these things because it keeps Mikelle real, and alive in her mind. Stories are all she can have of her big sister. So I will tell them to my dying day. Lynelle I love you, and I wish you knew firsthand how much you are similar to Mikelle. Your artistic ability especially! I consider myself very lucky and proud to be your big sister but still deeply wish I was just one of your sister here to tell you like it is, and support you no matter what. Mikelle would have been one bad ass big sister. I can just imagine her putting her slyness into play in her teens. Nathan speaking of similarities, you and your epic dad jokes and goofiness is such a likeness to Mikelle. I don't know if you know that but you are as funny and smart as her. I am so proud of who you are and am constantly amazed by your knowledge and passion to learn. It really reminds me of her so much. I love you and I hope you know the connection you have with Mikelle.
Alright so apparently this entry turned into a letter to my siblings. Sorry not sorry. Well as I said before I could go on and on but I think I will save more stories for a later date, when I am not ready for bed! Thank you all for reading, and learning about who Mikelle was. I want people to know her as a unique person. Not just a picture on a flyer.
Mikelle I love you. Thank you for the vivid memories.

Back At It

I am probably the worst at keeping up with my blog. I can't remember passwords or logins to save my life and I procrastinate writing to avoid the emotional process. But here I am, passwords changed, and in the right mindset.
I am currently working on a draft for my "book" which is mostly an idea right now. I also may have some plans that will be unveiled in the near future. I am truly trying to pursue my dreams of being a writer and getting justice for Mikelle. I figured regularly writing on my blog will help me stay inspired and keep me constant.
I recently attended the 3rd annual Missing in Arizona event. It was as always beneficial. But this year I experienced some feelings I didn't quite expect. Disconnect and numbness almost. Though opposite of that I did connect with new victims as well as old, some people that I have quickly grown to care about. But I realized my disconnect was coming from my lack of perseverance. I started to think about why I wasn't putting in the effort to write. Why I was shielding myself from the emotions of pursuing justice. It all comes from my anxiety and PTSD. I am no doctor nor have I "officially been diagnosed" but it doesn't take a doctor to say "uh yeah you've been through some serious trauma and it affected you". It has just been over this past year that I have come to the actual realization that I do have anxiety and PTSD. I actually say them aloud now. I acknowledge it as something to deal with and work through, rather than deny its existence and not cope. Recently the anxiety has caused severe sleep paralysis that comes with auditory hallucinations, nausea, and complete lack of energy or desire to do anything. I hate it. I absolutely abhor my anxiety. Some days, like today, I feel like it completely controls me. I am tired. I am pissed off. Right now, I feel completely jipped. I was robbed of my childhood, the opportunity of having a big sister, the ability to live life with out anxiety. I was cheated. I rarely express my anger on the subject. In every interview I say I want justice. True. I say I want peace. True. I never say "I am absolutely fucking livid". I'm tired of pretending to be more fine than I am. People always comment on how well I handle myself when interviewing or talking about it. Which I do appreciate. And I do handle myself well because I want to. I want to speak level headed and reach out. But sometimes I want to fall apart. I don't. I pretend. I always have. I have always held it together. For my siblings and my parents (which I do not regret at all). But also to spare other peoples feelings. I don't like to make people uncomfortable by talking about it. By yelling or swearing or crying. But that's what I want to do sometimes. I think that's fair and totally normal. So why have I been hiding it?
I am Kimber. My sister was taken. I am angry. I have been traumatized. And I am done pretending I am not. So here I am back at it again, I'm not holding back anything anymore.

Unopened Letters from a 9 year old

My good friend Ashley, inspired me to write as if I were writing a letter to Mikelle. I decided to make it like a series. I'll be posting letters written from my perspective at various ages. This might be more for my sake than anything. But I hope it helps others who are going through this. I hope it helps people to understand me better.


January 3, 1999

Mikelle,

   I thought yesterday was just a bad dream. I still don't feel like I am awake. This doesn't feel real. Why won't you come home? Is it my fault I left you alone? Are you ok? Today is a blur. All our family is coming to town to find you. Are you hiding? Is this just a joke? I keep having to talk to policeman about you. I keep telling them the same thing. You left my bike in the road. I don't know why. I think something bad happened to you. I hope you come home today and tell us you just went on an adventure. I am sorry I was mad at you when we were waiting for the ice cream truck. I was cold and tired. I didn't mean to leave you alone.
Love,
Kimber

January 5, 1999
Mikelle,
   It's been 3 days. I'm supposed to go back to school today. But I'm not. Kelly is taking me out for the day. Mom said a bad man took you. Why would anyone want to do that? I have so many questions. I just want to cry. But I can't. I have to be strong for Nathan and Lynelle. I have to take care of them for Mom and Dad. I want Mom and Dad to hold me and tell me it's ok. But they can't. They have to look for you. I keep hearing the policeman talking about a 72 hour window. They said that's 3 days. They said that is the most important time to look for you. It's been 3 days. Is our time up? Are you ok? Is someone hurting you? Or are you with nice people? You won't have a new family will you? I had a dream about you last night. You came home but didn't know us. You thought you had another family. It's all because I left you alone. I am so sorry I left you alone. Please come home. Please remember us. Please.
Love,
Kimber


January 20, 1999
  Mikelle,
  Today is Nathan's 5th birthday. It doesn't seem right to celebrate. You have been gone for 18 days. That is the longest I have ever been away from you. Lynelle is just a baby. She needs you. You're her biggest sister! Nathan needs you! He is so quiet and confused. I need you. I don't know how to be the oldest. I hardly remember anything over the past few weeks. I don't like going to school. Everyone asks me about you. Sometimes they are mean. I cry myself to sleep every night. I know I shouldn't have left you alone. I know it's my fault. I hope you aren't mad at me. Please forgive me.
Love,
Kimber


February 2, 1999
   Mikelle,
   It's been a month since you disappeared. Everyone says you vanished. They are fliers everywhere. I look for you everywhere. Every time I see a trash bag on the side of the freeway I am worried its you. They say you might not be alive now. They say we might be looking for your body. I am scared to sleep at night. I am afraid of the bad man taking me too. Mom goes in your room and cries sometimes. Dad gets too sad to see your room. He closes the door. I get sick if I go in there. But sometimes I just look at your stuff. You are so good at drawing. I wish I could sit on your bed while I read, like we used to. It hurts to think about you. But I want to talk about you. I wish I could. But I cry when I do. I can't focus at school. Everyone knows me now. They know me because I am your sister. They know what happened. Kali has been really nice to me though. I think she misses you. We all miss you.
Love,
Kimber

I had every intention to write more "letters" in this post but.. I can't at the moment. It is tearing me apart. The feelings I expressed above are rushing back to me. I remember all this. It's all too real right now. Mikelle, I love you.

Happy Birthday Mikelle

  Today is Mikelle's birthday, or at least for an hour or so, it is. I wish I had gotten around to writing earlier, but it has been a bit of a rough day. Mikelle would be 29 today. I wish I knew what she looked like now. It's weird to think about my older sister as an 11 year old. It's weird to feel like "the oldest child". 17 years. 17 birthdays. It never gets less weird. It never gets less awkward. Depressing. I'm forcing myself to write this right now. So many thoughts and emotions, yet so little words flow through to my fingers. But I wanted to do this, no matter how hard it may be. I don't want to repress my feelings about her. I did that for so long, and still struggle with it. Sometimes I repress it to avoid making it awkward for others. Sometimes its because I feel like I need to be strong for someone. Sometimes its because I can't handle my own emotions and I become a complete mess.
Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Frustration. Fear. Anxiety.... I feel all these things when I think about Mikelle. Every time. But I remind myself that I also feel Happy. Nostalgic. Peaceful, Lucky. Loved. I know that thinking about her, talking about her, writing about her, it celebrates the wonderful little girl she was. She deserves to be celebrated! She was my big sister! She was such an amazing role model, even at such a young age. She was pretty much a straight A student. She was artistic. She had an amazing sense of humor. Sassy and sweet. Forgiving but strong. Beautiful. She was perfect. My memory of her inspires some of passions and interests to this day! I wish I could tell her that. I wish I could tell her how amazing she was when I was young.
   Today's post isn't long. But its all that it needs to be. Happy Birthday Mikelle.

Just the Beginning

 

     I wanted to start a blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings about what I have gone through and continue to go through, being the sister of Mikelle Biggs. Though that is my inspiration, I won't limit my posts to topics strictly about her. This blog is about me. About my feelings. How having my sister kidnapped has affected, and formed me, into who I am today.

     For those of you who don't know, or just to refresh everyone's memory.. Mikelle was kidnapped January 2, 1999, in Mesa Arizona. She was outside riding my bike, and waiting for the ice-cream truck. It was evening and getting dark and chilly. I went to go inside and left her alone for under two minutes. My mom sent me out to tell her to come in. As foggy as my memory is of this whole time, the one thing that is crystal clear in my head, is the sight of my bike laying in the road, wheel still spinning, and the eerie feeling that came over me as I approached it. I was only 9 so I didn't immediately think anything was wrong. I was mostly mad she left my bike in the road. I didn't see her ice cream money laying on the asphalt. I yelled. I got mad. I stormed home. It wasn't long before we realized she was gone. Panic ensued. I can't remember much of that night. I remember guilt. Fear. Confusion. It was surreal. It still feels like a memory of a movie rather than an actual experience. How could this happen to me? To my family? This is only something you hear about on the news. I never could have imagined it happening to me. But at 9 years old I formed a characteristic that would define me for the rest of my life. Paranoia. Especially now being a mother and having protective instincts for my child, I may be considered over protective by some. I don't sleep well at night for fear of him being taken from his room. I panic when he runs out the door before I go outside to the car. I don't let him go 3 houses down the road with out me. How can I? How can I trust nothing bad will happen? Another characteristic. Mistrust. I can't trust my surroundings. I can't trust people easily. I can't trust the neighborhood. I know most of my neighbors. They are nice people. But I still peep out my window at night at every little noise, wondering if anything suspicious is going on. Because she was taken just 3 houses down the road. Visible from the front door. Considering one of our neighbors is the only real suspect in the case, you can understand the mistrust.

     I desire answers. I don't know what happened. I don't know for sure who took her. I don't truly know if she is alive. Though I feel it in my heart that she has passed, it doesn't feel right visiting an empty grave. My hope is to spread awareness, not just for Mikelle, but all missing children. I hope my stories will soften the hearts of those who know something. There is no way that nobody knows anything about any missing child. Mikelle did not just vanish into thin air. There is hope. There are answers. I will achieve my goal. I will not give up. No matter how emotional and scary it is for me to write this and put myself out there, I won't give up. I have a fear that my thoughts won't be well received. I hope they are but I am sure my bluntness will be controversial to some. Just always know, when I write, I am expressing my passion about my journey to find answers. About my journey through life. I truly need everyone's support. I need everyone's help. I cannot get justice for Mikelle by myself.


And this is just the beginning.....