Happy Birthday Mikelle

  Today is Mikelle's birthday, or at least for an hour or so, it is. I wish I had gotten around to writing earlier, but it has been a bit of a rough day. Mikelle would be 29 today. I wish I knew what she looked like now. It's weird to think about my older sister as an 11 year old. It's weird to feel like "the oldest child". 17 years. 17 birthdays. It never gets less weird. It never gets less awkward. Depressing. I'm forcing myself to write this right now. So many thoughts and emotions, yet so little words flow through to my fingers. But I wanted to do this, no matter how hard it may be. I don't want to repress my feelings about her. I did that for so long, and still struggle with it. Sometimes I repress it to avoid making it awkward for others. Sometimes its because I feel like I need to be strong for someone. Sometimes its because I can't handle my own emotions and I become a complete mess.
Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Frustration. Fear. Anxiety.... I feel all these things when I think about Mikelle. Every time. But I remind myself that I also feel Happy. Nostalgic. Peaceful, Lucky. Loved. I know that thinking about her, talking about her, writing about her, it celebrates the wonderful little girl she was. She deserves to be celebrated! She was my big sister! She was such an amazing role model, even at such a young age. She was pretty much a straight A student. She was artistic. She had an amazing sense of humor. Sassy and sweet. Forgiving but strong. Beautiful. She was perfect. My memory of her inspires some of passions and interests to this day! I wish I could tell her that. I wish I could tell her how amazing she was when I was young.
   Today's post isn't long. But its all that it needs to be. Happy Birthday Mikelle.