Unopened Letters from a 9 year old

My good friend Ashley, inspired me to write as if I were writing a letter to Mikelle. I decided to make it like a series. I'll be posting letters written from my perspective at various ages. This might be more for my sake than anything. But I hope it helps others who are going through this. I hope it helps people to understand me better.


January 3, 1999

Mikelle,

   I thought yesterday was just a bad dream. I still don't feel like I am awake. This doesn't feel real. Why won't you come home? Is it my fault I left you alone? Are you ok? Today is a blur. All our family is coming to town to find you. Are you hiding? Is this just a joke? I keep having to talk to policeman about you. I keep telling them the same thing. You left my bike in the road. I don't know why. I think something bad happened to you. I hope you come home today and tell us you just went on an adventure. I am sorry I was mad at you when we were waiting for the ice cream truck. I was cold and tired. I didn't mean to leave you alone.
Love,
Kimber

January 5, 1999
Mikelle,
   It's been 3 days. I'm supposed to go back to school today. But I'm not. Kelly is taking me out for the day. Mom said a bad man took you. Why would anyone want to do that? I have so many questions. I just want to cry. But I can't. I have to be strong for Nathan and Lynelle. I have to take care of them for Mom and Dad. I want Mom and Dad to hold me and tell me it's ok. But they can't. They have to look for you. I keep hearing the policeman talking about a 72 hour window. They said that's 3 days. They said that is the most important time to look for you. It's been 3 days. Is our time up? Are you ok? Is someone hurting you? Or are you with nice people? You won't have a new family will you? I had a dream about you last night. You came home but didn't know us. You thought you had another family. It's all because I left you alone. I am so sorry I left you alone. Please come home. Please remember us. Please.
Love,
Kimber


January 20, 1999
  Mikelle,
  Today is Nathan's 5th birthday. It doesn't seem right to celebrate. You have been gone for 18 days. That is the longest I have ever been away from you. Lynelle is just a baby. She needs you. You're her biggest sister! Nathan needs you! He is so quiet and confused. I need you. I don't know how to be the oldest. I hardly remember anything over the past few weeks. I don't like going to school. Everyone asks me about you. Sometimes they are mean. I cry myself to sleep every night. I know I shouldn't have left you alone. I know it's my fault. I hope you aren't mad at me. Please forgive me.
Love,
Kimber


February 2, 1999
   Mikelle,
   It's been a month since you disappeared. Everyone says you vanished. They are fliers everywhere. I look for you everywhere. Every time I see a trash bag on the side of the freeway I am worried its you. They say you might not be alive now. They say we might be looking for your body. I am scared to sleep at night. I am afraid of the bad man taking me too. Mom goes in your room and cries sometimes. Dad gets too sad to see your room. He closes the door. I get sick if I go in there. But sometimes I just look at your stuff. You are so good at drawing. I wish I could sit on your bed while I read, like we used to. It hurts to think about you. But I want to talk about you. I wish I could. But I cry when I do. I can't focus at school. Everyone knows me now. They know me because I am your sister. They know what happened. Kali has been really nice to me though. I think she misses you. We all miss you.
Love,
Kimber

I had every intention to write more "letters" in this post but.. I can't at the moment. It is tearing me apart. The feelings I expressed above are rushing back to me. I remember all this. It's all too real right now. Mikelle, I love you.

Happy Birthday Mikelle

  Today is Mikelle's birthday, or at least for an hour or so, it is. I wish I had gotten around to writing earlier, but it has been a bit of a rough day. Mikelle would be 29 today. I wish I knew what she looked like now. It's weird to think about my older sister as an 11 year old. It's weird to feel like "the oldest child". 17 years. 17 birthdays. It never gets less weird. It never gets less awkward. Depressing. I'm forcing myself to write this right now. So many thoughts and emotions, yet so little words flow through to my fingers. But I wanted to do this, no matter how hard it may be. I don't want to repress my feelings about her. I did that for so long, and still struggle with it. Sometimes I repress it to avoid making it awkward for others. Sometimes its because I feel like I need to be strong for someone. Sometimes its because I can't handle my own emotions and I become a complete mess.
Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Frustration. Fear. Anxiety.... I feel all these things when I think about Mikelle. Every time. But I remind myself that I also feel Happy. Nostalgic. Peaceful, Lucky. Loved. I know that thinking about her, talking about her, writing about her, it celebrates the wonderful little girl she was. She deserves to be celebrated! She was my big sister! She was such an amazing role model, even at such a young age. She was pretty much a straight A student. She was artistic. She had an amazing sense of humor. Sassy and sweet. Forgiving but strong. Beautiful. She was perfect. My memory of her inspires some of passions and interests to this day! I wish I could tell her that. I wish I could tell her how amazing she was when I was young.
   Today's post isn't long. But its all that it needs to be. Happy Birthday Mikelle.

Just the Beginning

 

     I wanted to start a blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings about what I have gone through and continue to go through, being the sister of Mikelle Biggs. Though that is my inspiration, I won't limit my posts to topics strictly about her. This blog is about me. About my feelings. How having my sister kidnapped has affected, and formed me, into who I am today.

     For those of you who don't know, or just to refresh everyone's memory.. Mikelle was kidnapped January 2, 1999, in Mesa Arizona. She was outside riding my bike, and waiting for the ice-cream truck. It was evening and getting dark and chilly. I went to go inside and left her alone for under two minutes. My mom sent me out to tell her to come in. As foggy as my memory is of this whole time, the one thing that is crystal clear in my head, is the sight of my bike laying in the road, wheel still spinning, and the eerie feeling that came over me as I approached it. I was only 9 so I didn't immediately think anything was wrong. I was mostly mad she left my bike in the road. I didn't see her ice cream money laying on the asphalt. I yelled. I got mad. I stormed home. It wasn't long before we realized she was gone. Panic ensued. I can't remember much of that night. I remember guilt. Fear. Confusion. It was surreal. It still feels like a memory of a movie rather than an actual experience. How could this happen to me? To my family? This is only something you hear about on the news. I never could have imagined it happening to me. But at 9 years old I formed a characteristic that would define me for the rest of my life. Paranoia. Especially now being a mother and having protective instincts for my child, I may be considered over protective by some. I don't sleep well at night for fear of him being taken from his room. I panic when he runs out the door before I go outside to the car. I don't let him go 3 houses down the road with out me. How can I? How can I trust nothing bad will happen? Another characteristic. Mistrust. I can't trust my surroundings. I can't trust people easily. I can't trust the neighborhood. I know most of my neighbors. They are nice people. But I still peep out my window at night at every little noise, wondering if anything suspicious is going on. Because she was taken just 3 houses down the road. Visible from the front door. Considering one of our neighbors is the only real suspect in the case, you can understand the mistrust.

     I desire answers. I don't know what happened. I don't know for sure who took her. I don't truly know if she is alive. Though I feel it in my heart that she has passed, it doesn't feel right visiting an empty grave. My hope is to spread awareness, not just for Mikelle, but all missing children. I hope my stories will soften the hearts of those who know something. There is no way that nobody knows anything about any missing child. Mikelle did not just vanish into thin air. There is hope. There are answers. I will achieve my goal. I will not give up. No matter how emotional and scary it is for me to write this and put myself out there, I won't give up. I have a fear that my thoughts won't be well received. I hope they are but I am sure my bluntness will be controversial to some. Just always know, when I write, I am expressing my passion about my journey to find answers. About my journey through life. I truly need everyone's support. I need everyone's help. I cannot get justice for Mikelle by myself.


And this is just the beginning.....