I've been staring at this blank screen for about 3 minutes.. Not really sure what to write. My mind is all over the place right now. But I figure if I just start typing something will come out.
I have been wanting to write ever since her anniversary. I honestly just didn't know what exactly what I wanted to write about. Part of me wants to just ramble on about who she was.. But another part of me wants to scream and complain about how hard this is. How it's been 19 years and it's not easier to have a missing sister. Sure I have figured out ways to cope but it is still hard to accept the fact that it will never be easy to have her gone. Even when I find out exactly what happened. It won't make it easier to be with out her. It would just give me peace knowing I got the answers I wanted and I pursued justice. But easy? Never going to happen.
Something I often remind myself of is, my parents, siblings, and I are not the only ones going through this. I tend to feel like "nobody else feels the way I do". We all grieve and deal differently but.. there are so many people going through this. All my family. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Cousins, family friends, her old classmates etc. They are all dealing with the loss of someone they love. It boggles my mind when I get that "slap of reality". I honestly feel selfish when I realize it. I know it I just forget it sometimes. It always comes back and hits me like a train. Even family members I don't see or talk to much think about her, miss her, grieve over her. Friends she went to school with that I don't even know. I've been lucky enough to connect with some and I always wonder what they go through. To all of you grieving along with me, just know I love you all. I am grateful for every person who ever met Mikelle because each of you has memories of her and all those memories are pieces of my heart. I hope enough people see this that it reaches more people who knew her that I have yet to connect with. Please, if you went to school with her, or knew her at all I would love to hear from you.
For the 19th anniversary I did a couple interviews, a story in the East Valley Tribune with Jim Walsh, and an interview with Karla Navarette on Channel 3 and 5. With each of them I discussed things like my anxiety from what happened, my son, who Mikelle was, how I deal. All the normal things we usually talk about when I do these interviews. They both turned out great! But I was left feeling "what else can I say or do? What can I do to get a lead in the case? What can I say to reach out to someone who may know something? How angry or sad or desperate do I need to be to make someone care enough to come forward? Is there a magic phrase I am missing?". I am left with so many questions and a feeling of mediocrity. I am of course always grateful to those who want to do stories with me but it is a weird mix of emotions that come afterwards.
Along with those emotions is a lot of frustrations in my attempt to write a book. I keep deleting everything I write. If anyone has any tips on helping the creative process along.. getting past writers block.. coping with emotions long enough to bust out a chapter.. a way to organize and focus my thoughts and ideas.. anything like that would be appreciated.
I think I am going to end this here because it is a bit all over the place but I will try to post more often.
